To Rome with Love

To Rome with Love, more like To Rome with a lot of questions.  This is how I felt after watching Woody Allen’s newest film, To Rome with Love.  This film features many familiar faces throughout its 112 minute frame: Alec Baldwin, Penelope Cruz, Jesse Eisenburg, Ellen Page and Woody Allen, himself.  All of these people were integral in this film about…umm…well…mmm…hmm…oh crap, I have no idea what this film was about.  Let me look up its synopsis online…one second…WHAT?!  Even the almighty internet cannot direct me to a source that can explain this movie to me.   Why is that?  Oh!!  It’s because this film makes no sense, good I’m glad I figured it out, otherwise this review was doomed from the start. 

This “film”, and I use the term very loosely, follows not one, not two, not three, but four completely separate never intersecting stories.  Why Mr. Allen decided this is beyond me.  None of the four stories get to fully develop within the film aiding to the mass confusion that was going on in my brain.   Literally, once the credits rolled, I said outloud, “What the F*** just took place?”  That’s when I went onto the internet to look up the synopsis, I was in shock and wanted clarification as to whether my brain stopped working and that’s why I didn’t understand.  Well, the good ole net was just as confused as I was.  I think the only person who could have explained that film was Woody Allen himself, and probably no one else.

Even the different stories within the film made no sense.  For those of you loyal readers of Popcorn or Snore know how much I disliked a certain 1960’s Aston Martin in a certain spy film, well, I feel that this car could have made an appearance in To Rome with Love, and I wouldn’t have even batted an eye.  No joke readers, these stories just happened, no explanation, and worst of all the actions within the world weren’t explained.  NOTHING WAS EXPLAINED! 

One story follows a normal middle class man as he becomes an overnight celebrity, think Kardashian.  This was easily the most enjoyable of the stories to watch, however, much like the rest of these stories the viewer was left in the dark as to what was really happening.   Day after day would go by, and this “normal” man would be swarmed by news cameras, fans, and paparazzi who would ask him pointless questions like what he ate for breakfast and what kind of underwear he wears.  Everyday would be more and more of the same thing, meaningless questions and answers about his normal middle-class life.  What the viewer can take away from this story is Allen's satirical view on overnight celebrities and how easy it is for them to be famous one day and then forgotten about the next.  Regardless of Allen's opinion on the topic, it is hard for a viewer to even understand his opinion because they are too busy trying to follow this impossible-to-follow story line.  

Another story follows a newly engaged couple, whose parents are from Rome and America.  As can be guessed by the title, this film takes place in Rome, so the American Parents, anchored by Allen, fly to Rome to meet the future in-laws.  As their interactions proceed, Allen, a former musical director, discovers that the father of his future son-in-law is an incredible opera singer.  Allen encourages him to pursue his talent by introducing him to the opera world, and discovers that the man cannot sing to his full potential unless he is in the shower.  This gives Allen the idea to put on an opera where the man, his discovery sings from a purpose built shower on stage.  What?  Pretty asinine if you ask me.  The man even received favorable reviews.  I guess anything can happen. So again, Allen left the viewer in the dark, not allowing them any insight or explanation for anything.  

The third story follows a newly wed couple who move down to Rome to start their lives together.  The husband has a job lined up with his uncle and he and his wife are to meet them for a business lunch.  Well, through a series of wrong place, wrong time events this meeting never happens according to plan.  Instead, a confused prostitute is mistaken for the man’s new wife and is then brought along to the lunch and meetings.  Meanwhile the real wife stumbles upon a film set and becomes entranced by some famous Italian actor.  As this part of the film plays out, both newlywed husband and wife end up sleeping with a different person, unbeknownst to one another.  At the end of their segment of film they reunite, never telling the other about what happened, and decide Rome is not for them.  What what what?

The final installment was possibly the most confusing.  This one stars Baldwin as a vacationing architect, who runs into a current architect student who happens to live in the same area as Baldwin did when he was younger.  What makes this portion the most confusing is that Baldwin keeps hanging around throughout the days of this story-line, and it is unclear as to whether he is a ghost, a vision, or if this is a memory of some sort.  Other characters keep engaging him in conversation, and he seems to be assisting in the forward progress of their relationships; but who is he? 

As far as I am concerned this film should be burned at the stake.  It should be held accountable for the pain I incurred during the viewing of this abysmal production.  Do yourselves a favor, do not waste your time on this one, it’ll only bring heartache and pain. Allen did one thing consistently throughout this film, confuse the viewer.  If that was indeed his goal, then job well done.  

Final words: Unless you enjoy not understanding what it is you are giving your attention to, I would strongly suggest this movie goes into your "not now, nor ever" column.
 
Until next time, happy viewing!

Review Rating : Based on popcorn sizes; small, medium, large, extra-large
                           When films get a snore zzz... worth skipping