G.I. Joe: Retaliation

G.I. Joe: Retaliation is the newest film to have fallen prey to a Popcorn or Snore rating.  In this years sequel to 2009's G.I. Joe : The Rise of Cobra, many things are in play: bad and good.  For those of you who have lived your life without every being privy to the Hasbro world of G.I. Joe, than I say, " that sucks".

As a child growing up, I was not only witness to, but a fan of the cartoon as well as the action figures, both 12" and 4"ish versions (that's right I made up a word/phrase, sue me Merriam-Webster).  For those who don't know, the G.I. Joes were an elite military fighting force hand-picked to fight against the evil Cobra Commander and his minions.  The Joes were made up of all walks of life: gender, ethnicity, creed, etc., and in turn so was the evil Cobra force.  Basically, it was the Burger King Kids Club all grown up and enlisted throughout the world with a few doppelgängers thrown in for fun. Retaliation and The Rise of Cobra followed these same principles, and applied them to a multi-million dollar film franchise, only without the same necessity or success.

(see, the resemblance is uncanny!)

The original G.I. Joe cartoons, and possibly the comic books which span way back (like 75 years back, which is further than my cognizance extends), dealt with morality and conquering societal issues, more than just fighting Cobra.  In fact, every episode ended with a little Public Service Announcement ranging from what to do when presented with a bloody nose, to how to deal with bullies or even downed power lines.  Gee, Thanks Joes!!  This segment even had its own slogan, "Knowing is half the battle! G.I. Joe!!!"  Man, what a wholesome program.

Now, as far as these cinematic endeavors go, this notion of taking charge of the youth and the population to inform and motivate was lost long before the script made it to Paramount.  Sorry guys, but these films aren't wholesome and don't end with a "moral to the story".  The only motivation these two films gave me was the motivation to never make a cheesy predictive film.  The acting in this film was better than the first, but still pretty weak.  It was difficult to make a strong connection to any of the characters, good or bad.  Most of these issues were due to the fact that the script was flat throughout.  Every time it seemed as though there would be a breakthrough, or there actually was a breakthrough, the outcome was less than spectacular; and for this I say, "Not Cool!"  If your film fails at the most basic level of story telling, then what do you have left?  Even if you get the most top-notch actors available, you still have "a pile" of a film.

As a matter of fact, Paramount fired the director of the first film because the pay-off was one of Paramount's smallest in their recent history.  Question for you: whose fault is that small pay-off?  The director, or the screen writer?  Paramount should have spent more time and resources to acquire a more interesting script.  Instead, they point blame in the direction of the man who had no control of the agreed on script. A film can only go so far with fancy action sequences and huge explosions, however, if the script is missing a good plot, a complete story, and big-screen worthy dialogue, then movie will be a snore.

Retaliation and The Rise of Cobra are relatively entertaining regardless of the lame scripts; the second one of them (Retaliation for those not keeping track) more so with a better cast and slightly better plot.  There were points in this film which left you scratching your head as to what was happening, and sometimes as to why it was happening.  In Retaliation, Channing Tatum (Duke) was quickly replaced (spoiler alert) with Dwayne "The Rock " Johnson, I don't know how a film about the Joes who are led by Duke doesn't then revolve around Duke.  Instead of Duke leading the charge, Road Block (The Rock's character) leads a small thrown together team in the hopes of stopping the villain from destroying the world.

This film delayed its release date by a whopping nine months!  This normally does not happen in Hollywood, which is why I expected this film to be better than the first.  They were re-shooting scenes, adding to the plot, converting the movie to 3-D, we hoped they would address and fix the awkward plot issues, but unfortunately it seems that they did not.

Another awkward plot issue was that Cobra Commander, the leader of Cobra, seemed to also have a drastically decreased role in this film.  How can the two leaders of their respective sides not be overly present in a film revolving around the ongoing battle between the Joes and Cobra? The lack of many of the characters from the first film and the inclusion of new characters requires new back stories, as well as new actors; actors whose names were about as unfamiliar to me as I hope none of you are in regards to the order of the two films.

(Quick Test, answer aloud! Hint: the answers are in this review)

1. Name the first G.I. Joe film:
2. Name the second G.I. Joe film:
3. Name the third G.I. Joe film:
4. Number 3 is a trick question...for now!
5. Name not the first G.I. Joe film:
6. Name the other film:
7. Name any remaining films:

Score :    /35

Congratulations!  This concludes the impromptu "G.I. Joe Sequencing" test.  

If your desired score was not achieved, please contact your local Popcorn or Snorer for a rescheduled date.

Now, I know what you're thinking, "Damn that test!  I thought I was going to be a spectator, not a participator!" Popcorn or Snore says this to you, "You're welcome!"  You see planet Earth, not everyone can get by on their good looks or witty rants about films good and bad, sometimes you have to jump into the fray with both feet, and fight off the torrents of garbage films (Ghost Rider anyone?).  There's a diamond in the rough people, we just gotta find it; and with G.I. Joe:Retaliation, we all better start, because there's a whole lot of rough...dig in!

At this point I would like to point something out, both of the Joe films use far too much CGI (remember my CGI knowledge bomb from the Oz review? Here! ) for my personal taste, but if I was to grade this film solely on CGI, than there are maybe not enough "zzz's" to fit that bill, so instead I will only use that issue as support.  Back to the write up...

As with the first film, the second had its Diamond moments!  Retaliation had some entertaining moments thanks to its predecessor film.  Most of it was a yawn, but there were some moments of excitement which usually surrounded, two characters as well as a big name "surprise" actor.  Brendan Fraser in the first, and a cameo by John McClane (Bruce Willis) in the second.

Ever since Encino Man, Brendan Fraser has been one actor whom I personally enjoy, no matter his poor choices in gigs, and come on...Die Hard?  Need I say more?

(what's not to love ?! ok, maybe not the best choice of picture, oh well)

So look, to make this point seem as though there is a direction, I will say this as clear as possible because I feel as though I've been on the fence about this film, these films stink but they are fairly entertaining, especially if you see the film with younger people (age or maturity); the key to enjoying yourself with these is to suspend all disbelief until the credits roll and don't invest too much thought into them.  Neither of these two films, and I'm saying this first, right now!, nor the rumored third installment, will find any glory within the ever "wise" Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences.

I know it seems weird that this review wasn't focused solely on G.I. Joe: Retaliation, but I truly feel that since the stories continue into one another, that I couldn't make a fair evaluation about one without also evaluating the other, I found it appropriate to speak about both; besides they basically were cookie cutter films anyway, just add water...BINGO!

Final Words: Small Popcorn.

I bagged and bagged all day on this film, but when it comes down to it, I would probably watch it again, on t.v. for free!  I know I've said it's pretty bad, but as long as I don't expect much from it, then I cannot be disappointed.  As for audiences:y our semi-young children would probably get a kick out of this, especially in 3-D.  Other than that, this film is no gem.

Until next time, happy viewing!

Review Rating : Based on popcorn sizes; small, medium, large, extra-large

                           When films get a snore zzz... worth skipping